Friday, January 7, 2011

Things That Are Not Delicious: Every single recipe on Chowhound right now

What Christmas Break Means to Me:

-Not knowing what day of the week it is for weeks at a time
-Practicing my Southern accent by listening to my grandparents and their friends in Georgia (mah pleasure, blessher heart!)
-Being awake for about twelve hours a day
-Reading food blogs like an OCD maniac

That last item leads me to today's meditation: Food-related magazines and blogs become shockingly depressing in January. For all of November and December, they're seeped with recipes for Christmas cookies, bizarre cocktails, and weird Thanksgiving side dishes. Some of it is helpful, some of it is creative, some of it is weird, and all of it is jolly and entertaining and fattening.

Then in January, everything changes. It's almost like someone died; these magazines go into a state of culinary mourning (or hibernation), full of entree salads (oxymoron alert!), juice cleanse suggestions, and creative drinks to make out of cucumber and water.

WHY would anyone EVER drink cucumber water? It's like eating dirt.

My favorite depressing January recipe: Make Your Own Tofu, thanks to Chowhound. I mean, making homemade tofu might be fun, but the fact that it's immediately preceded by recipes for Make Your Own Turkey makes it really depressing. Other tempting creations include Fish Stew, Mushroom and Carrot Bulgur, Barley with Mushrooms and Green Beans (aha! a mushroom motif!), and Toasted Millet Salad.

Honestly. This is why everyone is fat: because healthy food looks like prison food. I mean, come on. Mushroom and carrot bulgur? I'm pretty sure that's what normal food turns into after being digested.

Though everyone else is probably as sick of Christmas cookies as I am, I see no reason January food should have to be watery and salady and sad; Hair of the Dog seems like an intelligent way to handle the Christmas Food Hangover. Yesterday, for example, I had a chocolate peppermint milkshake for dinner. Maybe not the best meal ever, but weirdly satisfying.

So I plan on trying a lot of new and pretty food this month. I will deliberately avoid bulgur, and I solemnly swear not to make my own tofu. Hold me accountable, please.